Today Just Became the Worst Day of my Life

So, this morning did not start out particularly well for me. I decided to stay in Nashville with my fiancee last night (translation: I was too comatose after eating my weight in deviled eggs and potato salad to drag my ass off the couch and into the car last night), which meant that I had to be up at an ungodly hour this morning to drive the two hours home. To add insult to injury, I have the worst road rage on the planet (second only to my mom who literally becomes a psychopath the second she gets behind the wheel) and I swear that people were being especially terrible drivers this morning just to aggravate me (because the whole world revolves around me if you hadn't figured that out yet).

I finally get home (20 minutes behind schedule) and I have to hussle to get changed and get to the office. Of course, nothing I'm trying on will fit over my fat ass (thanks alot Easter feast), so I go for the fat pants and an oversized spring jacket. Nothing says skinny like pairing two pairs of oversized clothes together. To make matters worse, I have to wear open toed shoes because the pants are too short and I haven't had a pedicure in a month (and it shows).

I finally get to work and resolve to keep myself locked in my office all day...that's until I realize I forgot to go pick up my dog from where he was being boarded for the weekend. Perfect, just perfect. So I'm hussling back out of the office when one of my bosses gets on the elevator with me. Great. I make small talk with him for 20 floors (kill me) and thinking I can finally make a break for it, I head to the stairwell, since all my bosses are far too lazy and important to be bothered with stairs. Well, today is not my day because he proceeds to follow me to the stairwell down to the parking garage. At this point it's clear to him that I'm noticeably uncomfortable and trying to get out of the stairwell as quickly as possible, but in case he didn't get the picture, I went ahead and made it real obvious. By falling down the stairs. Yeah. I was in such a hurry to get away, that I forgot to use my feet. Whoops.

So let me paint this horrifying scene for you...I'm tumbling face first down a flight of stairs in fat clothes and my boss is watching the entire thing go down. I try and stop myself but it's no use, momentum has bested me once again as I tumble down the filthy stairs. I land at the bottom and try and get up as fast as possible, like maybe if I did that my boss would think I'd fallen on purpose (you know you do this too). Before I can even get to my knees, he's next to me trying to help me up and rather than say "thank you" I tell him "if you mention this to anyone, I will tell them you pushed me." Yes, I said that. To my boss.

Now, in my defense, the guy that I fell in front of is not just any of my asshole bosses, he is the king of the asshole bosses. He's only 8 years older than me, in his mid-thirties and still decent looking. However, he was clearly a tool in college and now spends his time making those of us less-toolish than him, look like idiots as often and as painfully as possible. I knew I would never hear the end of my fall unless I came up with something good. I was under pressure and he was walking behind me, so claiming I'd "been pushed" seemed like the natural response. Strangly, he doesn't seem phased. He clearly thinks I'm just a crazy bitch.

Anyway, no bruises thus far, aside from those to my ego. Updates to follow.

XOXO,

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