Wednesday, April 21, 2010

And I Thought Falling Down the Stairwell was Bad...

I'm going to preface this by noting that the subject matter of this post is absolutely horrifying.  I mean, so bad that this happened on Monday and I haven't even been able to admit it until today.  Read at your own risk!

So, I've been starving the past couple days, which is usually my body's way of telling me that "that time of the month" is right around the corner.  I really should have known something was up when I ate 1000 calories worth of candy in less than an hour Sunday afternoon but apparently one of the side effects of a sugar high is blissful ignorance.  Too bad for me. 

When I got up Monday morning my brain had completely erased the memory of my candy massacre.  I went to my closet only to realize that I only had two pairs of clean pants left.  A smart pair of skinny black pants or new pair of fresh white cotton trousers (thanks to my skillful use of foreshadowing I'm quite sure everyone knows exactly where this is going).  I decided that I was feeling a little too chunky for skinny pants and opted for the alabaster beauties.

That morning at work was painfully slow so I decided to go out for lunch with two of the partners, one of which was the asshole who saw me fall down the stairs.  I didn't REALLY want to go to lunch with them but I figured that had to be better than sitting in my office bored to tears.  Well, as it turns out I was wrong.  Really, really wrong.  I just didn't know it yet.

Lunch was delicious and it was a beautiful day for our long walk back to the office.  When we finally got back I scurried off to the restroom since I had drank 3 huge Diet Cokes at lunch and felt like I was seriously dying.  What I encountered in the bathroom literally made my heart stop.  Sometime between when we left for lunch and when we got back, I had started.  My white pants were totally ruined.  Holy sweet Jesus.  I walked back from lunch with my bosses with my pants like that?  OMG!  How much did they see?  I mean, i always walk in front of  them because...you know...ladies first in the South!  I was mortified.  Worse than that, I was a prisoner in the Ladies Restroom.  How could I leave?  Someone was going to see my pants for sure!  I gathered up my courage and raced back to my office.  There I sat until 8 that night.  I was literally stunned just sitting in my chair.  Once I was sure the coast was clear I took the freight elevator down to my car (I couldn't risk taking the regular elevator and having anyone see me).  When I got home, I promptly took the longest shower of my life.  If I had thought it was safe to use bleach on human skin, I would have.

Since Monday, I have refused to look anyone in my office in the eyes.  I anticipate this will continue for at least the next month or so...

XOXO,
BlogMePretty

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